The Peculiar Pairings
by delete delete does not compute
Summary: Don't read if you're humour impaired. Second chapter up! Rated for absolute safety. Really, it's not that bad. Featuring OlafViolet, SunnyKlaus, Tarzan!Poe, and so much more.
1. Mr Poe?

Disclaimer: I own only my computer. Nothing else. Definitely nothing as good as the Series of Unfortunate Events. However, I do own the plot of this story. :-)

* * *

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny were lounging on a hilltop near Hotel Denouement. Klaus started to speak.

"Violet, if you weren't my sibling...I'd kiss you."

Violet looked at him. "Aww...I'm blushing."

Klaus looked over at Sunny. "And, Sunny, if you were a little taller and a little older, I'd kiss you too."

Sunny looked at him. "Affair!" she screamed. Then she started jumping on him.

"Ow. I...can...see...you...don't...want...it...to...work..out..." Klaus got out, before Violet grabbed Sunny and pulled her off him.

"Listen, Sunny. I know you can't control yourself from jumping on top of him... After all, he's the good-looking one in the family..." she sighed. "But he's still our brother, and we can't like him like that."

Mr. Poe walked up. Apparently he had followed their taxi in another taxi, slowly, though, because he didn't believe in car chases.

He coughed. "I want you to know kids----that I divorced my wife." He coughed again. "And I've come here..." Cough. "To tell you all..." Cough. "That I've come to ask your sister's hand in marriage."

Klaus got up. "Sunny? She's only a little girl! You can't do this to her! Wait a minute...you like little girls? Ew."

Mr. Poe blushed. "No, no, dum dum. I mean Violet. She's the smartest one in your family and---" Cough. "---the cutest one."

Sunny shrieked "Nuh-uh!" which meant "Excuse _me_!"

"Oh, Mr. Poe..." Violet said. "I would be honored, but...I can't. I'm already married to Count Olaf."

Count Olaf came up the mountain. "Hey, Sweetheart, you ready to hit the road?"

She turned to him. "O'course, Honeybun! This dear Mr. Poe has proposed to me. But I told him no because you love me so. And I just can't wait---"

Sunny interrupted. "Weerdsiko!" Which meant, "Aren't you a little old for her?" And then "Uh...Violet?" which meant, "What are you doing with Count Olaf? When did you have time to get married?"

Violet laughed. "Sunny, we got married yesterday. He swept me off my feet at the hotel. Then we went to one of those 'ten-minute marriage ceremonies' thing that everyone's talking about. Esme was simply furious! I hear she got remarried to Jerome!"

Klaus looked at Sunny. "Could this be the end of the Baudelaires?"

Mr. Poe said, "Excuse me, Klaus, but I've come to ask your other sister's hand in marriage."

Klaus gaped. "What the #, Mr. Poe?"

Violet smirked. "You've sure gotta colorful vocabulary, Klaus."

Count Olaf smirked even more. "I always knew you were a curser, under all those books." Klaus glared at them.

Mr. Poe was concentrated on Sunny. "Sunny, will you accept my hand in marriage?"

Sunny said, "Pedo!" which meant, "You dirty pedophile."

Klaus looked Sunny again. "Violet married to Count Olaf. Sunny proposed to by Mr. Poe. Sunny, when you're, like, 20, will you marry me?"

"Ehshur." Which meant, "Eh, sure."

Mr. Poe ran off sobbing. "Why didn't I finish high school?"

Violet kissed Count Olaf soundly on the lips and said, "Let's blow this ice cream stand!"

"Right on."

They left, waving slightly to Klaus and Sunny. "Wait!" Klaus shouted. "What about the bad people? Are they going to burn down the hotel?"

"Nah!" Olaf shouted back. "They decided to revert to Scientology, who, apparently, aren't pyromaniacs." He shrugged.

Olaf and Violet drove off.

Sunny and Klaus decided to head back inside the hotel. "You know, Sunny, you look really, really pretty when your hair catches the sunlight like that."

* * *

**5 Years Later:

* * *

**

"What a great family reunion!" Klaus said to Sunny. "I never knew this many people from our family survived!"

"Yeah!" Sunny agreed. "Pretty cool meeting everybody. Where are Olaf and Violet, though?"

Klaus shrugged. "I don't know." He looked at the door. "Speak of the devil."

Sunny turned to look at the door. Enter Olaf and Violet. "Heya, Klaus!" Violet said.

They walked over to them. "Hiya, Sunny!"

"Hey, Violet, Olaf." A brief nod. "You look like you've gained a little weight." Klaus winked at them.

"Yeah," Violet said. "We left the kids at home."

"What?" Klaus yelled. Sunny blinked. The music stopped. People turned. Klaus tossed a quarter at them. People dived for it.

"We're the only ones who got the fortune, it seems," Klaus told them. "Anyway."

"What kids?" Sunny asked.

"Uh, you know...Susy, Sarah, Samantha, Shelly, and Samuel."

"No, we don't know!"

"Oh, right...sorry, we got out of touch, I guess."

"Yeah..."

"Anyway."

"Want to see pictures?" Olaf asked them eagerly.

"...sure." For an hour they looked over many, many pictures. Despite how Olaf looked, it seemed like good-looking genes had gone to the kids.

Suddenly Mr. Poe swang in on a vine. "Remember Violet...you were MINE! And you too, Sunnnnny!" He swang out.

They blinked. "Okay, then." Klaus then walked up to the karaoke machine. He took the mike and walked up on the stage.

"This is for you, Sunny!" Music started. Klaus sang "Hound Dog" by Elvis. Badly. Very badly.

He got off the stage to applause. (After all, he was getting off the stage.) Sunny hugged him. "That's my favorite song!"

Olaf and Violet looked at eachother.

Mr. Poe swang in again on a vine. This time he was only in a loincloth. Olaf covered Violet's eyes.

Klaus yelled, "That's not a sight the world is ready for yet, you weirdo!"

Sunny buried her head in Klaus' chest to escape the horror.

Mr. Poe yelled, "You're the weirdo!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yeah-huh!"

"Shut up!"

"You shut up!" His hands started slipping from the vine.

"You!" He started falling.

"Yoooo---"

And he landed in the giant jelly that was bought for the reunion. Not pretty.

Klaus said, "Uh...you wanna leave now?"

"Sure," said Violet. "Let's get some ice cream. I'm absolutely starving."

* * *

A/N: Review, please. :-) 

Oh, and this is just a joke sort of story. My sister started it up with the whole "If you weren't my sibling" thing that Klaus said. Weird.


	2. The SWAT Team Arrives

A/N: You asked for it, and we delivered! Just long Hong Kong Chow's Delivery Pizza Place. It's there. To share. With family. And friends-ily. That doesn't really rhyme, and it's kind of off the subject, but who cares?

We thought up all this stuff by ourselves, except for, y'know, the original characters. Those were created by Lemony Snicket. SO. No stealy, no sue-y.

Enjoy. :-)

* * *

They cheerfully skipped off to the ice cream shop. Once there, Klaus ordered a banana split, Sunny ordered a banana fudge ice cream, Violet ordered a cherry banana ice cream waffle cone, and Olaf had a chocolate ice cream.

"So you're taking your grandkids all out for ice cream, huh?" The guy behind the counter asked Olaf. Olaf glared his one-eyebrowed glare at him, and then vowed to send his Scientologist friends to tar and feather him, with Tom Cruise leading the pack!

"It was his in his wedding vows, you know," he added. "He's expected to always lead the hunt. Along with Katie." This terrified the poor man behind the counter. He ran off to go grab his suitcase and head on over to Canada.

"Um...so, what's with all the bananas?" Olaf asked.

"We love bananas!" They all shouted in unison. "Oh!" Olaf said. "There's a funny story about my boy Samuel and bananas! You ought to hear it!"

Violet went all "facepalm". "Not again," she moaned. "I've heard that story at least fifty times...and it isn't even that funny!"

Suddenly Mr. Poe arrived.

"I have some bad news for you — " Cough. "Children." Cough. "Well, actually it's not that bad news for me and _Sunny_. Eh? Eh?"

The ice cream guy came and begged to Mr. Poe, "Will you take me back with you to Canada, Canadian guy? Let me live with your family! And if Tom Cruise asks, I'm not home!"

Mr. Poe shook the guy off his leg and left him to sob on the floor, saying, "So...Sunny. My lady, my only lady, my sweetheart, my lover, my cutiepie, I have found your real parents!"

Two people walked in the shop. "Sunny?" one asked. "Dear, we've come to pick you up."

"Um..." Sunny replied. "I'm eighteen. I wouldn't have to go with you even if you were my real parents."

"But we are! We have the certificate right here!" The lady waved a slip of paper in the air. Sunny said, "I don't want to see no stinking certificate! Okay, maybe I do. Then I can marry Klaus!" She took it from her.

"Wow. I am your real daughter." Sunny was happy. "This puts a whole new spin on the phrase 'my brother from another mother'. But, whatever. Now I can marry Klaus!" They kissed. For, like, four minutes. "So..." she went. "Klaus...do you need to ask me something?"

"Yeah. So, do you need a napkin? 'cause you have something on your shirt."

"Hmmph!"

"Jay kay, jay kay," Klaus said, laughing. "Sunny, my lady...my only lady...my sweetheart...my lover...my cutiepie...would you be my wife?"

Sunny swooned. Mr. Poe went, "Hey!!" waggling his finger angrily at Klaus. "You can't steal Sunny from me! Or what I said! Mark my words, that relationship is gonna be over in a second!"

Sunny said, "One. Two. Three. Four." Then, to Mr. Poe, she said, "Wow, it's been four seconds and it _still _isn't over. I guess it's meant to be!" She kissed Klaus yet again. "Klaus, my man, my only man, my soon-to-be-hubby-bubby, my little, little cutiepie, my sweetheart, I will marry you! Even though you're not that little!"

"Awwww," Sunny's real parents said. "Go away," Sunny said. "But! Before you leave, my real parents who never took the time to raise me, I'll give you a present."

"Oh? What present would that be, Sunny?"

She hugged them.

"Awwww..." they said again.

Then she threw her ice cream at her mom, who she already found annoying. "Yeah, thanks for _nothing_, and I betcha didn't know bananas don't come off your chest for a week! Mwahahahaha!" She went to Klaus and kissed him yet again. "Thank you for always being there for me, my soon-to-be-hubby-bubby, my man, my only man, my lover, my sweetheart," she said to him, as her parents left.

Mr. Poe came up to Sunny. "Now, Sunny, think about this decision. You barely even know the man!"

"What? He was my brother for eighteen years!"

Violet said, "Yeah, and, like, your lover for three."

Just then, the SWAT team came in. Mr. Poe fainted.

"Oh, my God!" the ice cream guy screamed. "The Scientologists have come!" He looked at the guy in the front. "Is that Tom Cruise? I can't tell! He's wearing a helmet! But he's short! So I think it's him! Aaaah!"

"Short?" the guy said. "I'll show _you _short!" He shot the guy in the leg.

"My leg! Tom, how could you?" He clutched it pitifully, dragging himself to the bin of fresh, cold bananas he kept handy for banana splits. "Perhaps this will ease the pain!" He stuck in his leg. When he pulled it out, it was _completely healed_.

"See?" Violet and the others told Olaf. "Bananas even have healing properties!"

"Shut up!" the Tom Cruise look-alike told them. "Which one of you is a girl?"

Sunny and Violet raised their hands. The guy walked over to them. Looking at Count Olaf, he said, "I think this is a girl too."

"What?!" Olaf said. "I'm a _man_! And...a very handsome man at that." He ran his fingers through his hair. Then he showed him his armpit. "And check out my armpits! Chiseled to perfection!"

"I said to shut up! Though those _are _nice armpits. Anyway! This place has been accused of drug dealings!"

"Please, no," the ice cream guy said. "I am but a poor Canadian, eh, about to go back home, eh."

"Shut up, or I'll shoot you again!"

"So.." Violet said cautiously. "Why did you need to know if we were girls then?"

"Because the girls are most suspected of the dealing of drugs!" To the other men, he shouted, "We're gonna need to pat 'em down, boys. Any of you suffered a breakup recently?"

Two of the guys raised their hands.

"Okay, who had a particularly nasty one?"

One guy's hand was still raised.

"Okay, you get the girl who isn't underage!"

Sunny said, "I'm not underage either..."

"Boys, it's your lucky day!"

The guys came up there looking as happy as if they had won the lottery.

The man with the worse breakup ordered Violet against the wall, hands up. He proceeded to feel her up — er...pat her down... The other guy did the same to Sunny. Both spent more time than necessary on one particular part of their anatomy, claiming they "didn't know where girls would stash stuff".

Olaf punched the bad-breakup-guy, and Klaus kinda wimpily ran at the other one, scaring him off a little.

"Only _I _can feel up my wife!" Olaf roared.

"Though I did do so occasionally in our younger days," Klaus confessed.

"What?" both Olaf and Sunny shouted at the same time.

"We were young and foolish!"

"And _siblings_!" Sunny said.

"You forget, Sunny, we too were siblings, just a few hours ago. And the strength of our love is everlasting!" Klaus said.

"Everybody shut up!" the SWAT team Tom Cruise-ish guy shouted.

Mr. Poe got up from the ground from where he passed out. "What's going on?" he said, coughing.

The SWAT team guy couldn't take it anymore. "I! Said! To! Shut! UP!" He shot Mr. Poe.

"Oh, my God!" Sunny screamed. "Mr. Poe, are you still alive?"

He looked at her and smiled. "Yes...they just got me in the toe."

"Oh. Well, then, go jump in a banana barrel."

The SWAT team left, totally bored, with no more girls to feel up.

"Um..." Violet said.

Silence. Of the awkward kind.

"Anyone up for a movie?" Olaf asked.


End file.
